Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Leather

Wrestlers have many passions. The roar of the crowd, the admiration of their peers, the thrill of victory, raw egg power shakes, and the feel of leather on their backs. No, not like that... I meant wearing it. And wrestlers with a passion for leather has led to some interesting characters.

Sure the Road Warriors were tough, and looked menacing in their jackets... but weren't they really, when you think about it, a little too similar looking to those guy that stand around in the background of every post apocalyptic movie made in Italy in the eighties?And Demolition looked even less dangerous... perhaps more like they were going for on night on the town, if that town was in fact San Francisco, and it was indeed Mardi Gras season.

There was even a time when Adrian Adonis used to look butch in his leather... well, if you consider the Village People butch. Although in hindsight, when he was tagging with Jesse Ventura ( who may very well have had the worst leather jackets in the history of the sport ), he was the tougher looking of the two of them.

In fact, many wrestlers have donned the leather, and many have done so as part of some sort of a biker image. Although the likes of Marlon Brando, Dennis Hopper, and Charles Hawtrey set the pace- dressed in leather and out looking for trouble - their wrestling equivalents have certainly caused much havoc in small-town America as well.

Well... they have if they were the likes of the Long Riders, or the "American Badass"... not so much if they were Chuck Palumbo.

Perhaps it is just hard to take someone with hair like Minnie Driver seriously... even if they do have a leather jacket on.

( fashion advice was taken from the fabulous sebastian in the production of this article )

Monday, September 29, 2008

Introducing Penni Lane

I'm going to change the format a little here today, and hark back to my days back in high school. Of reading the so called "Apter" wrestling mags like the Wrestler, Inside Wrestling and Pro-Wrestling Illustrated ( a mag I actually work for these days ).Well one of the features they used to run was a section called "introducing" where they would introduce an up and coming star in the world of professional wrestling. Well today I bring that idea back, and am proud to introduce to you, my close friend, Penni Lane.Hailing from Paradise City ( which I believe is one of the few cities that can lay claim to having its foundations built on rock and roll, rather than granite ), she is little bit of lovely and a whole lotta rock - ( forget the roll! ). This technical powerhouse knows how to start it up in the ring and kickstart hearts out of it. With her infectious energy and her constant quest for good times, even her opponents find it difficult not to get caught up in her lust for life.

A former champion in Australia & Canada, and already making a name on the world stage, Penni has come a long way in a short time. But there is even more ahead... as Penni herself might say, " it's a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll ".

But the top is well within her reach, as only last year she faced off with the number one woman wrestler in the world today, TNA's own resident monster, the Awesome Kong.Currently competing back in her home country of Australia, and considering her options on a larger scale, Penni is definitely one to watch.

"Welcome to HER jungle".

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Friday, September 26, 2008

Little Petey Pump

Petey Williams.

The name doesn't exactly inspire fear or confidence on its own. In fact it could easily be mistaken as the name of a child star of the 70s. It's not, it's the name of one of the most innovative, and impressive wrestlers to come down the pipeline in many a footy season. As technically sound as any of the new generation of stars, Petey Williams has been a major player in the TNA ranks since his debut there in 2004, twice winning the X Division title. And whats more, he is also the man behind the most talked about move in the last decade or so of professional wrestling, the flip piledriver maneuver he calls the "Canadian Destroyer"

So with all this talent, with all these possibilities, what does TNA management do with him?? They put him in a tag team with my old buddy Scott Steiner.Yup, the same Scott Steiner who once ran his pickup truck into a road worker who made the grievous mistake of informing Scott that the road he wanted to go down was closed. The same Scott Steiner who was not given a live mike on WCW broadcasts for some time as they were never quite sure of the words that might come out ( such as the time- for which he was suspended, when he said - "the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, and change their channel to the WWF, and watch Stone Cold - a person you and your own friends got fired from here, 'cause you're a jealous old bastard." ). The Scott Steiner, who in 2006 claimed (perhaps spuriously) to have slept with over 20,000 women and to have broken Wilt Chamberlain's record. The Scott Steiner whom after viewing a cartoon drawn by yours truly, and having had mentioned to him that I would be at an upcoming show, was said to have uttered ( and read this in as ominous tone as possible ) " Oh yeah, I'm REAL keen to meet him".
Yes, THAT Scott Steiner.

And you know what, I don't really see how, but it actually seemed to be working ( prior to Steiner being injured once again ). Scott Steiner was a main event player once again, and looking better in the ring than I'd seen him in some time. Petey Williams ( now dubbing himself the " Maple Leaf Muscle" ) is the X Division champ, looking slick in ring, and is himself being taken seriously ( his new Steiner like beard, chain mail head-gear, the announcers referring to him as "Little Petey Pump", and a physique that looks like standing that close to the "Big Bad Booty Daddy" has given him some sort of muscle-mass contact high, not withstanding ) once again as a main event player.

Who'd have thunk it?!?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Masked Assassin

What sort of people wear masks anyway?
Bank robbers, superheroes, terrorists, bank managers trying to spice up their sex lives, and of course... professional wrestlers.Now, I can understand why the first four might want to hide their identity, but the wrestlers? Are they embarrassed? If you have seen Rellik wrestle, then certainly that seems logical. Or is is it because they are really ugly? If you have seen seen Kane unmasked , then that also seems logical.Or is it, like me, that they are all secretly fans of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers? Yeah, I guess that's probably the most likely scenario.Jody Hamilton, the Assassin, is probably one of the most famous masked men of all time ( along with maybe Kendo Nagasaki, Mil Mascaras, El Santo, Rey Mysterio and George Steele - surely that wasn't his actual face ), and certainly one of THE great tag-team competitors of all time. Main event player for a generation, multiple time champion, trainer of many of todays top stars, and over 40 years under the hood...
Can you even imagine what it must smell like under there after that long?!?
DAMN!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

April Hunter

There's an old joke, how do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
I'll bet you any money, that with a cutting glance and a wicked smile, April Hunter would deliver the punchline deadpan, and mean every word of it... " She unties you ".
She was part of the NWO, she was a part of TNA, shes been featured in magazines like Maxim and Playboy and Flex, she's been managed by Jimmy Hart, and has wrestled across the USA, as well as in Japan, Mexico, Puerto Rico, England, Scotland, Ireland, and Canada.
She was even a part of the Naked Womens Wrestling League. GULP.
She's probably the most well known woman in wrestling that you've never heard of.
But you can remedy that, by checking her out online at www.aprilhunter.com
As April says-
You can sleep with a blonde, You can sleep with a brunette...but you'll never get any sleep with a redhead!Happy birthday April.

much love
J.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Special effects

All superstars have something to keep them going, something that defines what they are.

William Shatner spent most of his life relying on a girdle to keep him looking trim, but in recent years his expanding girth has gone beyond the limits of even the strongest of these devices.There are rumours that Tom Jones' rider for his concerts includes a small crate of the magic blue pills that keep men going all night. These claims are denied by Tom's people, but the twinkle in Tom's eye, the bulge in his pants, and the noises from his hotel rooms make me believe otherwise.Amy Winehouse has a long list of things that keep her going and make her Amy, and these are being systematically investigated by the London Police.The eternally young Cliff Richard has been accused by some, of bathing in the blood of virgins, but I don't believe the British Elvis would do this. That is more something Ingrid Pitt would do.The Animal Batista has his own special something, and I believe it dates back to his childhood hero, Roger Ramjet.Roger relied on Proton Energy Pills to give him 'the strength of twenty atom bombs for a period of twenty seconds'. Perhaps, in the past, Batista has also taken a few of these energy pills... Purely, I'm sure, in a effort to emulate this childhood icon not only of his, but also of America itself. But again... I'm just guessing.much love J.
(portions of this email have not been checked for verification of the facts... i blame sebastian).

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

Thursday, September 18, 2008

the "Great" Khali

The Great Khali has been in the news again... But this time it seems for all the right reasons. Being mobbed by fans in his native India, as well as taking the time to appear in the movie "Kushti". ( http://entertainment.oneindia.in/bollywood/news/2008/the-great-khali-kushti-190508.html ) I must admit though, the thought of this big galoot boot-scooting in a Bollywood style movie boggles the mind.
A man whose main offensive move is a type of Judo chop ( which between you and me looks to do less damage than the Judo Chops I had at a tepanyaki place last week ), and who's biggest claim to fame is that he hasn't tripped over his own monster sized feet in the last few weeks, is widely regarded by many wrestling fans as a failed experiment... And possibly the least impressive big man to come down the line since Giant Gonzales. Tho at least Khali's muscles are his own, and not air-brushed onto an ill-fitting bodysuit. I knew I was crazy to buy that thing on ebay... it's not even my size.
sigh...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Biscuits and Gravy? WHAT?!?

In the old days, Jesse and Festus would have been wearing straw hats, dungarees or denim bib overalls, and ( for the few who do not elect to go barefoot ) scruffy boots. They may have been accompanied to the ring by an old dog... sorry... dawg, or perhaps a scantly clad young woman wearing a tight shirt and short shorts, possibly barefoot, but almost certainly gorgeous. She'd have some double barreled name like Daisy-Mae, or Betty-Sue, or Bubba-Ray ( but never Brother Ray ). And they'd all have a fun old time dancing, and cavorting and hinting as only Americans can, that being a "kissing cousin" is not a creepy thing.Come on, you know it's true... you watched wrestling in the 60s, the 70s, or maybe the 80s. And weren't they progressive times for wrestling stereotypes?! If you were bearded and had a lot of hair, you were a hillbilly. If you had a beard and were bald, a Russian. And if you had a lot of hair, like really, REALLY big hair, then you were the main event. That all came to an end when one of these Hillbillies ended up in the White House tho. All of sudden, you had to look at things differently...

Which brings me to Jesse and Festus... Terry Gordy's little boy, and the impostor Kane... Who'd have thought these two opposites in size and style would actually make up one of the best tag teams down the lines in years? Who'd have thought a gimmick where someone is a moron until he hears a bell, at which point he becomes a monster, would not only work, but be damned entertaining ( except for maybe the producers of the old "Incredible Hulk" show)?? Who'd have thought that a big slab of beef like Festus could work one of the best matches I've seen the Undertaker have in years?!? And most of all, who would believe that a guy with a hairline that even I can giggle at and mock, is actually only 24 years old?!?! Heh...

Monday, September 15, 2008

Vampires?

Shelly "Salinas" Martinez is apparently through with TNA. She is said to have quit the company.It was announced during tonight's No Surrender pay-per-view broadcast that Jacqueline had attacked Salinas backstage. That's the storyline reason for her departure from the company.Martinez was recently tapped for a role in an Italian film that would have conflicted with her bookings for TNA. Reportedly, she offered to give up the film role if TNA increased her pay, but they refused. As a result, she handed in her notice to the company. Her contract was due to expire next month anyway.

- from "Lords Of Pain" today.
All I have to say, in response to Ms Martinez vanishing from my tv screen, is... sigh ( in the manner of Charlie Brown )...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Second Generation Wrestlers

I guess many parents are proud to have their children follow them into the family business. Why should wrestling be any different? Many second generation wrestlers were brought up around the biz, it's only natural they fell into it. Ted DiBiase, Bob Orton Jr, The Funk Brothers, Barry Windham, The Guerreros, The Villanos and the Rock to name but a few.Working the territories, many grapplers were on the road constantly, so wrestling in their home town might be one of the few chances they got to see their family. So why not bring the kids to the building and see where dad works. Maybe that was not always the best choice though. Surely at least some of you remember the scene in "Beyond the Mat" where the Rock beats Mick Foley about the head and shoulders with a chair as Foley's wife and children look on (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn_cW4i8ELI) . Mick, as wonderful a parent and as sweet a guy as I know, in watching the footage later... seeing his children's reactions, is dumbstruck and nearly driven to tears himself. I remember speaking to "Mr Perfect" Curt Hennig soon after he'd seen the film, and he could not understand why Mick Foley would want his family anywhere near his place of work- "If I was a mechanic would I want my family hanging around the garage?? Of course I wouldn't."

Kevin Von Erich, a man who grew up in this business, calls himself lucky to have got to spend the time he did with his now departed brothers ( Kerry, David, Mike and Chris ), but how much of the wrestling lifestyle, and their dad's dreams of stardom took them to their fate? As adults we all take responsibility for our own actions, but it does make you think.
They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and with many new second generation stars the likes of Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted&Mike DiBiase, DH Smith, Nattie Neidhart, and Carlito Colon, maybe they're right... but after years of Scott Putski, Brian Christopher, Shawn Stasiak, David Sammartino, Alex Wright and Jackie Pallo Jr, I think I'll reserve my judgment for now.

And don't get me started on the likes of Jimmy Jack Funk, the Graham "brothers", Dizzy Hogan,and Lance Von Erich...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Friday, September 12, 2008

Trinity

No not the one from the Matrix...
Not the one who is supposed to be some cyberpunk equivalent of the Virgin Mary if I'm to believe what I read on the internet.
Not that there isn't a resemblance of course... Black leather, skilled in martial arts, taking pills, toting guns... shhhyeah... right.
No... I'm talking about the wrestler Trinity. THIS Trinity...
Stephanie Finochio, ( who looks a hell of a lot better for her age than I do... we were born the same year ) first came to my attention in her work as stunt woman. She appeared as Jennifer Garner's stunt double in ( the somewhat awful ) "Daredevil", and also worked on "the Bourne Ultimatum", "Spider-Man 2", "SwimFan" and "Indiana Jones&The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull". More surprisingly ( looking deeper into her credits, which is not nearly as dirty as it sounds ), she also appears to have done stunt work on the films "School of Rock" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", two films not known for their high action content. Hmmm...

But this is a cartoon about wrestling...

Trinity broke into wrestling in 2002, after receiving training at the hands of former ECW Champion, Mikey Whipwreck. Only 5 years into her career, she has already worked in OVW, TNA, and WWE ( ECW ). In TNA she was originally teamed with Kid Kash ( with whom she later feuded )... and later with Glen Gilberti as part of the NYC ( New York Connection ). After that she and Tracy Brooks competed to see who would win the favours of TNA Director of authority Dusty Rhodes... and come on now, why wouldn't she want some of this??
Her OVW stay was less eventful, but it did lead to her debuting as part of the newly re-formed FBI ( Full Blooded Italians ) in ECW. Dubbed the "Full-Bodied Italian"... fnarr fnarr... Trinity went out of her way to live up to that moniker, and I for one applaud her for it.

Thus todays cartoon...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Rellik

Spelling your name backwards is a device that has worked well for a long time. Count Dracula managed to hide successfully, by calling himself Count Alucard. That was, until Van Helsing, using powers of reason greater than those of Sherlock Holmes, deduced the truth.In Superman we have Mr. Mxyzptlk, a trouble making imp from another dimension. His name is spelt forward but, if he is somehow trickled into speaking it backwards ( and believe me, you'd be surprised just how many different ways that is possible ) he returns to his own world.Redrum was popularized by Stephen King in the Shining. It's murder backwards for those that haven't picked up the theme here ( and the original, using the term loosely, name for Rellik ).And now TNA has Rellik ( well... I guess HAD is technically more accurate now ), which is, as you may have ascertained, Killer spelt backwards.
I wonder what purpose this play on spelling will reveal.Is he perhaps a traveler from another dimension? Is he a vampire in hiding?Or is he perhaps, an average wrestler in search of a gimmick to make him more popular or marketable? If that is the case, maybe they should make him a beefcake barber instead.Hey, don't laugh... it worked once, maybe its due...